What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
