and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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