a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Is Oprah even human
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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