Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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