My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
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