remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
