Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
my poor anus
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
