Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
