i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my being single is dangerous.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
