I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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