yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
