i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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