I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
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We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
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I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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