There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm bleeding and have questions
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
