we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
