we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
