well I can't set my house on fire every night
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
