I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
