I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
