I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
