No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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