So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
