Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
