There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
