your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
