im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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