Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
