My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
