I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
