Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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