woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
