If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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