Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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