turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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