apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
