I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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