I want to stick my p in your. b.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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