The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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