I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
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Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
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Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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