you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
