I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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