I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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