saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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