U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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