Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
