I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
