try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
not ubering you a puppy
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
