i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
