Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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