I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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