is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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