I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
