I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
