is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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