Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
