i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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