taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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